Sunday, August 7, 2011

Stupid email chain of the day - Part 3

Well, I just got another stupid one. You know the drill; first the text of the email, then my line-by-line criticism. Here it goes:


DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and bio diesel.
--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.
--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, home boys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.
--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McLane. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.--You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.
--We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right.
--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,John J. WallLaw Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In.

Ugh. What a stupid piece of crap. And you wonder why I think conservatives lack a few braincells? This is what the modern conservative movement has come to: Stupid propaganda email chains. This does nothing to promote the cause of conservativism. Instead, it shows the world how narrow-minded and logically flawed that ideology is. By its own merit, this forwarded trash is destroying any credibility the conservative movement might have had. Here's the line-by-line criticism:


DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Boy, I wonder what this is about.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

I don't see how Obama is a Marxist. He's in bed with big business, same as you are, dear Republicans. Like you, he is a corporatist.

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Okay, I can't disagree here. Let's see where you're going with this.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Yes! Yes! Let's get a divorce!!! I told you marriage was a bad idea in the first place. Single again! Yay!

Here is a model separation agreement:
--Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

Alright, cut to the chase, I don't have all night.

--We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

I'm a libertarian, so I hate all taxes so what's your point? Keep all dang taxes for all I care.

--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Ok. The ACLU fights for everyone's civil rights. What is your problem with that? Are you still pissed off over the fact that black people have the right to vote? Are you pissed off that gay people can't get fired from their jobs for being gay? This proves that conservatives are nothing but bigots.

--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

Nah, you keep the cops and the military, but we keep ALL the guns for ourselves. If you don't like it, go make yourself bows and arrows. We will not be disarmed.

--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and bio diesel.

Okay. Pollute yourselves into extinction. Fine by me.

--You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

Nah, you can keep all of them.

--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

We keep the pharmaceutical companies, because we're the ones with the college degrees in biochemistry. You go do your silly voodoo faith healing when you have a booboo.

--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, home boys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

Nah, why don't you keep them and enslave them in your cotton plantations? Think about it; their cheap labor is going to make your greedy corporations wealthier. Maybe your corporate overlords should enslave you too, while they're at it.

--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks.

Take them. Take them all please.

--We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

Alright. Enjoy reading the same fantasy book over and over again. I know how it ends, because Hollywood made it into a movie already. Spoiler alert: it's pretty boring.

--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

No, you can't invade anyone, because we kept all the guns, remember? Sheesh...

--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

Again, you forget that we have all the guns. We have so many guns, it's not even funny. We loooooove guns. We don't need allies, because we have ALL the guns, so we are pretty secure. No one is invading us, not even you.

--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

Take Islam too.

--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McLane. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll take humanism, you can have the rest of that crap. Who the heck is Shirley McLane? Friend of yours?


--We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

Nah, we like SUVs. We can mount gun turrets on top of them. Because we kept all the guns, remember? You are really stupid if you can't remember that.

--You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.

Not a problem.

--We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right.

Good luck with your social darwinism.

--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem."

We'll keep punk rock and speed metal.

--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

Nah, more like "Anarchy in the UK", "Master of Puppets" and "The Power of Thy Steel"

--We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

If you are debating the teachings of the Austrian School vs. Keynesianism, I guess both theories have their virtues and their flaws. Take both, we'll come up with something better, because we have all the brain power and the 'liberal colleges' where real science happens.


--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

You don't even understand history. Don't play with stuff you don't understand. We'll take care of preserving history, we don't want you to rewrite it, you greedy corporate bastards.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

We'll see how it turns out.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

Well, Mr. John J. Wall, if that is your real name, if you are a law student, you are pretty biased ideologically so I don't want you as my attorney.

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

Why do you want to give us all these people I've never heard of before?

P.S.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Boo-hoo! Poor conservatives too scared of learning a foreign language! Cry, cry, cry! "And then, he spoke to me in spanish!!!! Boo-hoo-hoo!!!!" Grow a pair of balls and learn a few languages so you can at least do business with other countries. Stupid xenophobic dumb-ass. As if mexican immigrants would ever be so numerous as to be able to send white trash like you to concentration camps to force them to learn spanish; you are not at risk of getting assimilated, so globalize yourself culturally.

Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In.

What has sunk in, is that this is spam, and spam pisses me off, and if you forward crap like this just because some stupid email tells you to, you are still a spammer, and spamming should be illegal. I don't like conservatives, but I really, really hate spammers. Why don't you take all the spammers to form your own stupid corporatist republic?

This my friends, is the extent of the intellectual capacity of the modern conservative. He is an uneducated bigot who mindlessly supports greedy corporations that care not one bit about his long-term well-being.  He is a slave to his corporate overlords, and is beyond redemption. I hope you will find it in your heart to treat him with the compassion he would not show you.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for spamming in response to a post about spam. Now the circle of life is complete.

    ReplyDelete