Monday, March 14, 2011

The worse critic is oneself

Last night I started reading a 233-page novel that I wrote as a teenager.  After so many years, it felt like reading someone else's book. Here's my unbiased review of it.

1- The author is trying to be overly wordy, and also trying to cram too much crap into the book - crap that has nothing to do with the story, and actually distracts from it.

2- The author introduces unexpected and unnecessary plot points and characters that come out of nowhere and go nowhere. Makes ABC's "Lost" look almost coherent.

3- Character development is virtually non-existent, with the notable exception that the main character just gets more pissed off as the story progresses.

4- Dialogue sucks. Characters say things out of context. They say things that no one would never, ever say in real life. They draw conclusions from non-existent facts that are not even part of the story. They all sound like people who sniffed too much glue while watching the "Neverending Story".

5- Too much deja vu. A particular incident happens to the main character several times in the story, and all those instances could easily have been combined into a single one and still gotten the point across.

6- The author is clearly too young to drink.

7- The author also clearly has never kissed a girl.

8- The author also probably doesn't know any girls except his own sister.

9- The author makes up names that have no basis in any language spoken on planet Earth.

10- The story is full of disjoined parallel plots.

11- The author manages to make a 233-page novel feel longer than the entire 2000-page "Lord of The Rings" trilogy.

12- The ending doesn't make any damned sense.

Maybe I'm being too hard on my former self. But if I ever build a time machine, I vow to go back in time with a baseball bat and beat some sense into myself. I can't believe I actually wrote that rag. I can't believe other people actually read it. Blows my mind.

No, I am not telling you the title. Don't want any of you to read it. Reading my crappy blog is probably torture enough for you.

1 comment:

  1. If you wrote this as a teenager it's no wonder that the result is immature and inexperienced.

    What impresses me is that you stuck with it and cranked out 233 pages from start to finish. I can't seem to do that at more than twice the age you were when you did it. Writing is harder than it looks.

    It may not be the Great Canadian Novel but it is at least a completed novel. And having that under your belt is more than a lot of would-be writers can say.