Thursday, April 1, 2010
Jesus Christ Rises From Grave Three Days Early
By His Lordship the Gun-Toting Atheist (Associated Press)
Thursday, April 1st, 2010.
JERUSALEM - Vatican representatives in Israel announced today that Jesus Christ, aka Jesus of Nazareth, has risen from the grave three days ahead of schedule, taking Easter mass organizers off guard.
"This is the first time in almost 2000 years that this has occurred", said pope Benedict XVI in a Twitter interview.
"He came out of the grave, and he definitely saw his shadow. Then he retreated to the sarcophagus and closed the door. I'm afraid this means we'll have six more weeks of winter, which sucks because I was really looking forward to spending all of next week on my yacht", said His Holiness.
Not everybody is upset, however. Catholic children from around the world are excited that lent has come to an end early, which means that they can finally eat chocolate for the first time in 37 days.
This leaves meteorology experts confused, as Punxsutawney Phil already predicted six more weeks of winter on February 2nd, 2010.
"He predicted six weeks eight weeks ago, and now we have to wait another six? That is just not fair!" added the Pope.
Punxsutawney Phil was not available for comment.